This post originally appeared at New England Multimedia on April 19, 2012.
How can you handle conflict while keeping your cool? Michelle Quillin invited me to share how I manage negative blog comments because she believes I do it differently than others. She ought to know, as I’ve never met a woman other than Michelle who reads and supports so many bloggers. She hears voice, knows style, understands professionalism, and is thoughtful in her own blog comments always bringing different insight on a topic.
Apparently, I stick my neck out when I write. I push the envelope of what’s tried and true and thought to be consensus. I like to poke a hole in someone’s opinion and rabble rouse a bit. I think they call me a bit of rebel.
I shoot from the hip more often than not; my opinions are validated from many sources that gel into the writing. I don’t take valuable time to fact find ad nauseum to write the best, most accurate blog post. If I was publishing a daily newspaper, I would take that approach, don’t get me wrong!
So…I’m getting to my point, promise…when you write as I do explained a bit as above, there are bound to be contrary comments. When I’ve been published on a national level, those comments come fast and furious from people who are total strangers to me and usually writing anonymously. I dread those retorts and experience a range of emotion as a result. Regardless, I have to respond for the benefit of others reading and to also defend myself!
Handling Negative Comments
These tips I offer on how to handle negative comments in your community are true and tried. I’ve been in the hot seat (not always) enough to have developed something that works. It took time, mind you! The first time I fielded a negative comment, I nearly collapsed with angst and ended up letting that anonymous person dictate my control in my house. No more! Perhaps these will help you when (because it will happen) you experience a detraction:
1. Never respond immediately. Let that comment sit there until you catch your breath.
2. Be calm because that emotion will direct your writing.
3. Accept all comments regardless of how they’re written. Thank the writer anyway in spite of the tone of his/her comment.
4. Direct people to your blog’s comment policy. If you don’t have one, you should reference the unspoken rule every blogger has calling for collegiality.
5. From your dashboard, locate the url/email from where the commenter wrote. While that may not be the true identity of the writer, you can tap that information and use it in your reply.
6. There are other ways to check identity of commenters and you can do that by the internet protocol or IP address. You can also Google the exact comment to see if it’s spam. Whois provides identity for domain owners, too.
7. When replying, never address the negative points. Skirt them at all costs. If the comment is so highly offensive, delete it! It’s your house, after all!
8. Invite the commenter to write a guest post and express his/her views.
9. Ask your community for support or send a direct message on the Interwebz calling for people to come to your rescue.
10. Most of all learn from the comment. If you’ve done it really well, ahem, you may get more disagreement than just one comment. Rather than being defensive, stop and think how your post was written and regarded by the readers. In your responses, be appreciative, courteous and take something away from the entire experience.
What experiences can you share about negativity at your house in comments?
Happy Monday, Jayme! You’ve held your own Soulati-tude for two years in this space, so when you talk about handling negativity in blogging I listen! I especially like your suggestion to ask a contrary commenter to write a guest post–especially on debatable topics, it’s a perfect battle both sides can win.
@ShakirahDawud
Good Morning, Shakirah! Thanks for saying…! Can’t believe it’s been that long; so much to learn, and 27 months blogging is certain to provide a few lessons or five. What a journey. Love seeing what your journey has created in you, too. Appreciate the comment here today!
Jayme. Fantastic list. I am not sure about something here and you have to forgive me if I get this wrong. Are you being mean to me? You referenced my blog post on the donkey and if I had to guess it’s complimentary but I can never be sure. In the context of the subject I suppose since you are talking about comments I am still ok.
The funny thing is that I wrote that post totally tongue in cheek and it got absolutely no traction so I can only assume it is an uncomfortable subject? Anyway, thanks for using my work as an example. Good or bad.
@rdopping
hahahaha, Ralph! It seems we’re destined to uninterpretation of one another’s writings. Suffice it to say, I went to your blog to find something relevant to add here as a link; couldn’t find anything quickly, so took a post and added it. Then, I believe I used the word “donkey” instead of the word you had used, and OMGosh, we have a mashup.
No negative intent here; innocent interest in wanting to send a bit of link love is all. So, here we are! Your turn!!
P.S. Could that have been a test? Some folks don’t pay attention to link love others’ posts; at least you are!! So, thanks!
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing Ha! Brilliant. I am such a noob. Thank you so much for the link love. It is appreciated.
I love #8 for saving you some work and calling out the bastards that think they can one-up you. Yeah, get them to write for you! Fantastic.
@rdopping
When did you start blogging? Really?
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing Last week it was a whole year. June 16, 2011 was my very first post. Not a long time in the world of bloggers……
@rdopping
Really? I beg to differ! In that one year so much happens and you arrive. A blog that is 12 months old is 12 months older than one that isn’t. Depends, of course on how frequently you post, but, you have huge experience.
Funny you’re still calling yourself newbie; I’m thinkin’ you’re hugely expert.
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing Moochas Gracias. You’re not too bad yourself.
Number 9 is sometimes dicey. It is good to get support from the community provided that they respond in a civil and professional manner.
Otherwise you can wind up with a nasty flame war.
@TheJackB
Oh boy. For you, I’d say this list likely doesn’t work. You post so much with such opinion that you actually emit flames in your writing. I’m gonna have to think about bloggers like you who provoke instead of placate!
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing I used to get flamed daily but it has settled down a bit. I have developed a pretty thick skin so I just don’t care about most of it.
When it happens now I try to determine if it will serve as a blog post and or create more chaos.
@TheJackB @Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing I think it will vary; sometimes calling in others can be a good thing – if you’re open to the idea that maybe the other person isn’t trolling or flaming. There are times I’ve asked ‘honestly, did I write this the wrong way?’ and gotten some surprising answers. See also @rdopping – did the same thing once, linked to someone’s post as a compliment, as a good example – but didn’t make it clear enough and mistakenly offended that person. I replied in apology, even edited the post – but that person hasn’t been back, so I can only assume she got my message.
Hi Jayme, This is a timely topic for me. Tech can be controversial and my Comment Policy states that opposing points of view are welcomed. I truly believe that a healthy debate is helpful for the readers. I have published many comments with different points of view, including those who directly disagree with me, and have appreciated every one.
But over the weekend a new commenter submitted a hostile comment challenging me about an article. If he had been respectful, I would have published it. I moved the comment to trash but then he wrote again (from a different IP address, though from the same email) rudely challenging that I hadn’t published his comment.
The topic was controversial and I was warned about it by someone I spoke with in researching the article. I would not have minded someone writing a respectful comment that disagreed with my position. But for the first time I am not going to publish a comment based upon the hostile tone of the content.
I debated emailing him to inform him that I didn’t publish his comment because it was disrespectful and violated my Comment Policy. But my inclination is not to because his comments have been very hostile and I really don’t want to deal with someone like that. My playground, my rules.
So, I’m following Rule #7 and feel better about the incident now that I’ve read your discussion here. Thanks for covering this important topic, Jayme!
@wonderoftech
Wonderful! I think that we bloggers who have established ourselves in our communities and respective verticals require a modicum of respect. And you, published nationally every day in the daily paper! I know @TheJackB has many experiences to share about what you’ve just experienced, and it doesnt’ feel good at all.
You did well to not entertain that commenter; why did he/she deserve that attention? But, knowing your personality as I believe I do, I bet you felt badly about not giving this person the opportunity to state an opinion; it’s not in your blood to be negative and it’s hard to manage others’ negativity, too.
So, glad this was helpful! Everyone is feeling this kind of angst the longer we blog and stick our necks out…! Thanks, Carolyn; such a pleasure having you here!
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing Thanks, Jayme, you’re right. I did feel a bit guilty, as if the reason I trashed his comment was because he disagreed with me. But that wasn’t the reason at all. Controversy is great for a blog, but it has to be respectful.
Just to clarify, The Wonder of Tech appears weekly on the website for The Philadelphia Inquirer. If I had to publish daily, I would have to have the stamina of @TheJackB, which I clearly don’t! 🙂
@wonderoftech Agreed. What’s one of the worst think in social or blogging? SILENCE. That’s what the really nasty comments get. It’s not a playground so we don’t need to treat it like one. Ignore and move on. It’s one person’s opinion and if they are not mature enough to disagree and be respectful then they deserve silence.
Bou-yah!
@rdopping Excellent suggestion. Thanks a lot for your advice. You’re right, silence is the worst. That’s why I thought even replying to him in an email would be encouraging him.
Interesting. I’ve written a couple of posts that needed to be rewritten after someone told me how they came across. After crying (yeah, I’m way too emotional about stupid stuff like feeling misunderstood! LOL!) and a rewrite I just let it be.
The more I slow down to process the comments and let my reactions dissipate, the easier it is to see how it’s all about the commenter and their interpretation of the post and/or me. I like to just leave anger alone and let whoever expressed it be seen and understood…
@CrossBetsy
Wow, Ms. CrossBetsy, I’d like to see those posts you rewrote. If you’re that sensitive, I have a hunch your posts were fine and you caved to criticism as every newbie blogger is wont to due. The angst will kill you in the beginning, and then from somewhere comes a thicker skin!
You’re right; once I read the comments and get an immediate anxiety attack (that no one else seems to feel as much as me), I can re-read them in a few days and they don’t seem as bad. A sign of a good blogger is that sensitivity; it’s a rite of passage — we feel what we write and what people say to grow and do it better.
Well, that’s my thought anyway! Thank you for stopping in!
Solid advice, Jayme. Not responding immediately. That’s the one I need to follow. I’m so hyper I always jump in too soon.
@jonbuscall
On your podcasts, you have such a soothing and calm voice. I never would’ve thought you hyper, Jon!
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing LOL ! What’s that saying: Fake it till you make it :=)
I definitely agree with #1. Sound advice as @jonbuscall said. I think my main criteria is — does it add value to the conversation? If it does, I like the advice you’ve given. If it doesn’t, the delete button is a very effective strategy.
@adamtoporek @jonbuscall Yeah but isn’t that what gives your work a nice patina? The good with the bad?
@adamtoporek
I like to see balance; a community with some dissent is richer, don’t you think? If you can get commenters to engage strongly, you’ve got blog fodder for a week!
@adamtoporek
Hey, Adam! Thought I had answered you last evening…so much in comments does not add value, just banter. What I like about this community, however, is that most all comments are thoughtful and do add to the conversation. So, thanks, All!
Missed this on NEMultimedia, my bad. Want to say I just revisited my comment polity not too long ago, similar to @wonderoftech — keep it professional, not personal; attack the debate, don’t debate the writer; call me dumb, so long as you say why, w/ courtesy of course. Part of my policy is dealing with comments – and what doesn’t count as a comment. Tip #3 – a comment of ‘this sucks, you’re stupid’ that usually comes with a fake name isn’t really a comment just as a ‘this was helpful, thanks’ for the purpose of getting some URL link love isn’t either. If it’s trolls or spammers, I block and move on – not gonna worry with IP search.
Now when it’s a real comment, and negative – points 1 and 2 totally apply. Address the negativity? I do it all the time; if they’ve made a point, I give them their props. If I still think they are wrong, I’ll try to clarify the issue. If I’m publishing and someone takes the time to reply – I do the same. Hell, if they give me a 10-point thesis on why I’m an idiot, I might just tackle it point by point, prove ’em right. 😉
Inviting the dissenting opinion? Brilliant – and risky. The more strongly you feel about something, not sure it’s in your business’s (my blog serves my business) best interest to run something totally contradictory. Again, it’s a case-by-case basis, will depend greatly on the subject, the content being discussed. Ex. I could easily run a different post on Klout and Influence each week; but let the ‘PR is publicity’ or ‘marketing is King, Queen, and their little dog too’ pundits have at it, not going to happen.
#10 Learn. Can I get a witness, amen?! I joke but I’m not out here JUST to hear myself type; I do want feedback, professional and courteous, even if it stings a bit. FWIW.
Great advice, Jayme. I really like # 8. I think that is a very gracious way to handle it. I haven’t had this problem on my blog itself, but I wrote something a few weeks back that stimulated a somewhat ugly conversation on Twitter about my post. I invited the person (who happens to be someone I know in Nashville) to leave a comment to further express their views so I could better understand it. They never did.
It’s easy to throw stones. It’s harder to have a civilized, healthy discussion. I love a healthy debate because I think it’s very useful to see the different sides of an issues. But, it’s just too bad that they often turn ugly.
@lauraclick I hate that people are jamokes to others. We’re sticking our necks out with solid content that is helpful and timely. We’re doing all this work to help others, and you know what? We’re learning how to test the waters for opinions that rock the boat or don’t. You’ll learn from that situation; yet, the other dude is likely not to care enough to learn. They’d rather throw stones.
Hey Jayme!
I loved the advice you give here. Especially about not responding to it right away. Sometimes it gets a little tough with the extremely offending criticism around. I remember being called a terrorist on a blog (because I am a Muslim) and they told me “not to come back”… and then they come on my blog and crap all over it. I ain’t letting that happen. Sometimes blacklisting them is all you can do… well, I need to keep my blog “clean” that way! 🙂
It is easier to throw stones at others. I would say, if you need to build an online reputation then you have just got to understand what differences are and learn to appreciate them rather than making it a war.
@Hajra Hajra, dear Hajra. This comment has made me seriously upset. I wrote a post about it last night that will appear here Thursday. I am so naive and apologize to you for the behavior of others. I’m so sorry you were hurt, and I admire your gumption to fight back. Always know the welcome mat is extended with a friendly embrace.
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing You don’t need to apologize for others! Like my mom says “The evil people in the world will always be there so that you understand the value of the good people around”! 🙂 Glad to know some really lovely people around the blogosphere! 🙂