My pal I miss so much because she works full time and can’t banter with the best of us has decided to visit here again with a spot-on GP (that’s guest post). Please welcome a familiar face from this community and someone I love dearly, Jenn Whinnem (who recently tied the knot in ever so much secrecy without inviting us to the party; look there she is on her special day!).
Jenn Whinnem says:
I lost my glasses recently. They were either in my home, or at the lake on the property. Several searchings of both turned up nothing. Until, a week later, one of my neighbors turned up with the glasses in hand! “My granddaughter found them while she was snorkeling,” she said.
Yes, dear readers, I went swimming with my glasses on. How on earth I managed to do this is still making me worry about my brain. Now the lenses are foggy and I need new ones.
This, and , got me thinking about transparency. Please note upfront: I’m not in the habit of blaming the victim, ever. It’s simply not on his account. I’d wager that someone is very sick, but I’m not qualified to diagnose. Whoever this person was, they had a lot of information about Danny and his life. Danny has been pretty open about many of his life details (again, not blaming the victim). And that’s what got me thinking, again.
About two years ago, I wrote a post for Jayme about having cystic fibrosis. Jayme had asked me to write it, and I wanted to help out a friend, forgetting that the internet is mostly not a secret place. That post ended up getting much more traction than I intended. Usually I don’t make that information so public, because I worry it will prevent employers from hiring me. An ugly reality.
Since sharing that, and worrying about the repercussions, I’ve been careful with what I share. I don’t mind telling you a story about swimming with my glasses on, as bone-headed as that makes me seem, because I think it’s funny, humanizing, and something others can probably relate to. Not many people are going to use that against me for anything other than a joke at my expense.
I read a post a few months ago where someone used the Batman/Bruce Wayne example to discuss how, thanks to the internet, nobody gets to have a secret identity anymore. (A Google search is not helping me find this post, because apparently there is a song called “I am not Batman.” If you know it, tell me, I’ll update the post). I vehemently do not agree. I advocate for a persona, and for never confusing the persona with the self.
Back to those glasses. I can see through them, but they’re just blurry enough that I really shouldn’t drive with them on. They’re a great model, though, for the kind of transparency that makes sense on the internet.
Jayme! You crack me up, using that photo. Please let me plug the milliner, Tessa Moorehouse, of https://velvetantlernyc.com/home.html she is a design genius.
I don’t profess to have all the answers, I hope I don’t come off as a know-it-all. I just worry about privacy, and the ramification of losing it, quite a bit.
@jennwhinnem Tee heeeeee!
@jennwhinnem Yes to that hat–wow!
I’m not even that transparent with my personal Facebook profile. If I can’t think of something witty to say, or I’m having a bad day, I stay silent. I don’t feel the need to air my woes in public. Some (possibly many) things shouldn’t be shared in that way. They have a way of coming back to bite you. I guess I’m overly conscious of that reality after having shared too much, too. It’s a fine line, threading the personal into the public without being too personal or too public.
I sometimes talk about being diabetic on my blog, but it’s rare. I usually give a nod to it during American Diabetes Month and World Diabetes Day. That’s it. I want to bring attention to the issue, but I don’t necessarily feel the need to share the nitty-gritty details of being a diabetic.
@Erin F. Behind every facade there’s crumbled architecture. #ThatIsAll Erin, thanks for sharing here in a warm community that is not judgmental or psycho (well sometimes I’m not the latter!).
@Erin F. Girl, you feel me. Just nodding along over here.
@Erin F. ALSO I hope you are well & well-managed.
@jennwhinnem Thanks! I’ve been doing alright and should be doing better now that I’ve gone (not even twenty-four hours yet!) super high-tech with the addition of an insulin pump. 🙂 Diabetes isn’t at all similar to cystic fibrosis, but I suppose there could be some sort of kinship. Do you ever feel weird when people ask you about it?
@Erin F. Actually no, not at all. I’m happy to talk about it unless it’s someone mad at me for coughing. Then they get the icy shoulder.
@jennwhinnem I don’t mind talking about being diabetic, either, and am much more comfortable with talking about it now. I’ve just had the experience of “You can’t eat that! You’re diabetic!” That, or people sometimes look at me like I have two heads. As far as I know, I don’t.
You’ve changed your Gravatar photo since the last time I was here. Fun!
@Erin F. I like to be honest about what I look like, and that changes!
It would seem Mitch Hedberg was wrong. Alcoholism is NOT the only disease you can get yelled at for having!
@jennwhinnem I don’t take very good photos, so I don’t change my Gravatar very often.
And, hahaha! No, alcoholism apparently is not the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
Good to see you here, Jenn! This goes into the whole authenticity argument. I think you can absolutely be authentic without sharing every personal detail about your life. I think most of us share the best versions of ourselves online and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’re not being real.
Glad you found your glasses! That totally sounds like something I would do. 😉
@lauraclick Heh! Glad you can relate to my bonehead move. I think we all do things like swim with our glasses on, we just don’t necessarily admit to it. Well I’m not afraid to admit to it. I’ll let you know if that turned out to be something I should never have admitted. I’m still learning.
Hi, Jenn! This will always be a hot button–I mean topic–for most of us. I think my comment in response to wittlake. ‘s guest post about “authenticity” on Spin Sucks might add a little something else:
“Basically, people have been using the wrong word all along. We want something, but it’s not authenticity. We want people to come out from their corporate closets, but with clothes on. We want people to come down off their pedestals, but without destroying it. We want Disney to be real–and yet still be Disney. We want a better show.”
I love to be able to relate to others on an entirely real level, and those of my tweeps and colleagues who deal with me face to face or over the phone can tell you I match up pretty well with what you see on my blog in some surprising ways. But “real” doesn’t mean “raw” to me. It doesn’t mean “everything I’ve got on every level of my existence,” either. Not even close.
I say, give people what they want, within the bounds of your comfort zone. A “risk” for one may already be a t-shirt for another. Just remember that for every action there’s a reaction (don’t know about the “equal and opposite” part when it comes to social dialogue) and be prepared to embrace it all personally, professionally, and logistically. The show must go on, but if you want to keep running it you need to have a crystal clear handle, not on how much you’re willing to expose yourself, but on how the consequences of that exposure will add to your power. Until you do, it’s best to keep things light.
Plenty more to say and all, but this is the lush tropics of Soulati-tude, not my Death Valley.
@ShakirahDawud LOVE “We want people to come out from their corporate closets, but with clothes on.” Perfect. I was just trying to explain this idea to my colleagues – instead I’m going to use this phrase. You rock! And thanks for reading.
@ShakirahDawud “lush tropics of Soulati-‘TUDE!, not my Death Valley.” #ThatIsAll
There are boundaries in blogging but the lines differ based on the blogger.
@TheJackB And there are repercussions no matter the strategy you choose. Thanks for joining in Mr thejackb.
Hi Jenn! I very much agree with you. It can hard to tell where the line is between humanizing information and just plain being too open and out there. I tend to err on the side of safety and not post things that are quite open out in the public until I’m ready and comfortable to share. I’m sure I’ll become more open about things as time goes on, depending on my situation, interests, life events, what have you.
@annedreshfield Hi Anne nice to meet you! Thanks for weighing in. I think erring on the side of caution is smart (I mean. of course) and every now and then – or in designated spots – I indulge in some excess.
I have to agree with the general consensus. It depends on the individual’s comfort level. Some believe that everything should be public. In truth, nothing is private online.Google knows more about my habits than I do most likely. Our expectation for privacy has been shrinking, but we can control what we say or do online. That counts for something. There are always some trade offs.
Warhol said we will all be famous for 15 minutes. Now we have to say that we will all be unknown for the first 15 minutes before we start using the internet.
Others have written about persona and how it’s different from the person, and that individual’s personality. We’re human and no we don’t want to be social with corporate robots; we want them to act like people. I’m personable and sociable more than I am personal and social. And as @ShakirahDawud elegantly expressed, these are working, professional people – clothes and all. This hype of authenticity and transparency has always been a bunch of hooey. Imagine an authentic, transparent customer service agent; Despair pundits would seem tame.
Cue my [insert here: tweets about having bad day, needing a job and better clients, needing a life so I’ll just put up pictures of someone’s cat] because really, that’s what would we’d have if being authentic. At least for those of us that ‘social’ is part of the job; trust me, most of my offline/other friends outside the marketing world don’t really think of this kind of stuff. So few are worried about their -gack- ‘personal brands’ and just protect their professional reps (read: jobs) by watching what they share. Which is what we all do.
Which segues back to my “this is the real me, but totally not the whole me” stance. You know how you meet someone and you click and you talk about ANYTHING – and it’s safe BECAUSE they’re strangers, b/c you have the protection of anonymity and not being judged by F&F? Or how in person, you’ll watch what you tweet and post, but say whatever comes to mind? Well maybe that’s just me .. but it’s gone now anyway. People can figure out who you are, someone standing next to you can live tweet your asshattery.
Oh crap, how much is too much? IDK. I’m super cautious – if I’ve got a friend not on FB, I pretty much don’t post their pics, don’t mention them in updates, respect their choice. I’m also me, which means almost zero talk of religion, money, sex, politics (except a few feminist leanings, carefully selected – you know, where no one will pay any attention to me anyway) b/c it’s me and my luck and it’ll find a way to bite me on the ass. Means my FB is really dull as dirt, my other social profiles are mostly business but in an engaging, ‘human’ way.
Again, IDK how much is too much. Love the story about your glasses (and the blurry, soft focus); it’s real and humanizing and people can relate. It’s why – in the right place, context – I share little things. Like how I really do spend way too much time planning for my someday lottery win. 😉 FWIW.
@3HatsComm “…personable and social more than I am personal and social.” Yep.