A woman I designated as Social Media Woman of the Year 2012 graces us today with her always unique perspective on life, topics and happenstance. I encourage your read today as we continue The Happy Friday Series with awesome guest appearances thus far by Peg Fitzpatrick, Susan Silver and Paula Kiger. Jenn Whinnem is our guest today, and you may want to read her “coming out” story that debuted on this blog in 2010 before you read what’s below.
credit: sodahead.com
The Glass is Half Empty and I Couldn’t be Happier.
Come here. Want to hear a secret? Here’s how I survived public humiliation and other fallout from:
- Having to leave my dream college, one year in
- Unemployment
- Canceling my own wedding two months beforehand
- The slow ratcheting up of an ultimately fatal illness
- Several romances gone south (like all the way to the south pole, hanging out with the penguins south)
Until age nine, I drank a lot of Mylanta, because I was a really nervous kid and my stomach hurt from being so nervous. The short version was that I was terrified at all times that I would embarrass myself in public.
But then I got philosophy!
At age nine or so, I read Sixth Grade Can Really Kill You. “What are you so afraid of?” someone asks the protagonist. “The worst it can do is kill you.”
The light bulb went off. I was so relieved, I cried. Public humiliation would hurt, but not kill me.
Yeah, at age nine, I accepted my death, and put down the Mylanta. If I did in fact die, okay, I’d be dead, so it wouldn’t matter. But nobody was going to kill me if I said the wrong thing to a relative at my birthday party or accidentally farted in the grocery store.
Some people this is really weird, or even dark, that a nine year old thought about death like this. But I never was an optimist. I’m also not a pessimist. I consider myself more of an absurdist.
Here is the resiliency I developed as a result of my philosophy:
- Any time I found myself in a rotten situation, I would determine the worst case scenario
- It wouldn’t be death
- So then I’d figure out how to deal with the other inevitable losses
- And I’d FIND the humor in it (this is the absurd part).
See, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s just going to be inconvenient. Don’t sweat inconvenient. Take a day to sulk, then suck it up and be done with it.
Someone sues you? Hire a lawyer. Can’t afford one? Whatever, you can make it work. Clients haven’t paid you, and you are going to miss your mortgage payment? Be late on your payment. Take charge of what you can control.
It’s not that I think that any of this is ideal. I’d rather not be sued or default on my mortgage. But here’s what you’ll find:
- You don’t feel powerless anymore. You have an ACTION PLAN.
- Since you’re focused on action and not victimhood, people will crawl out of the woodwork to help you. Emotional drowning scares good helpers away. (it is okay to feel blech, but not to drown).
- At least one person you know has been in your situation and knows how to navigate it.
Optimism didn’t really work for me. What did work was embracing reality, having a good laugh, and getting ON with it.
What’s your strategy for minimizing freak-outs when life hands you a lemon tree?
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One of my favourite sayings that I remember, and share with others is: “If it’s not fatal, it’s not final”. Helps keep perspective…something you have an amazing and beautiful abundance of. Cheers! Kaarina
@KDillabough I like that. So true…thanks for the heads up on the link, too.
@KDillabough Thanks Kaarina.
I like, “Nothing in life is difficult but thinking makes it so.”
I can’t stand people who are failing at whatever in life, or make excuses as to why they can’t shoot for the stars and instead blame it on their ‘crappy childhood.’
Once you’re an adult you have to take charge of your life and be accountable for your actions. You can’t blame your childhood anymore. If you had a crappy one, get counseling. I had a very crappy childhood (watching my father drink himself to death when I was 16, separation, etc. etc.), but I got help and dealt with it. There is always someone worse off than you, and I bet they’re making the best of what they have, so why can’t we all do that?
@SandyAppleyard You’re right, Sandy. When there is a whine fest going on, then it’s time to take a hike and run from those negative vibes.
@SandyAppleyard I think ‘crappy childhood’ is a very valid reason, but never an excuse. Kind of like being an alcoholic. I think the thought in AA is that it’s not your fault that you have a disease, but you are responsible for your recovery.
And Sandy – I also agree on the “there is someone worse off than you.” Most people at my age with my disease are a lot sicker, so I refuse to complain. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get annoyed when my health makes another demand on me. That’s why I do the whole “okay Jenn you get one day to sulk and that’s IT.”
Thanks so much for reading.
@jennwhinnem @SandyAppleyard Jenn, I think if anyone can take away one thing about your plight with cystic fibrosis (in case anyone has not read the link provided above to Jenn’s debut of this news), is your absolute will and attitude. If you’re in the dumps no one knows; you’re a fighter and everyone should be like you.
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing @SandyAppleyard Well, my husband certainly hears about it 😀
@jennwhinnem Jenn, I hadn’t read your previous post until after I wrote my comment. I have to commend you; good for you for having such a positive outlook on life and for being thankful for the health that you have (not feeling depressed for the health you don’t). This is probably one of the major reasons you’re still here. Good for you! You’re my inspiration today!
@jennwhinnem I apologize. I put my response to this on the wrong….response! lol…Yes, I’m certainly not discrediting my father for the terrible things he went through as a child which led to his alcoholic death. He was abused, beaten, abandoned and lived to tell about it until he reached adulthood.
His major problem was not being able to deal with it and instead letting alcohol ‘numb the pain’…such a cliche, I know, but it’s true. I guess for every strong person there is a less strong (I didn’t want to say weak-sounds demeaning) person supporting them. In many ways I think my father dying was a way to break the pattern of alcoholism in the family (his father also died from it). I’m terrified of drinking and smoking, and am such a health fanatic, thankfully.
I’m very glad that you’re a strong person and have shared your story. I believe there are many strong people out there, but they don’t have the courage to tell their story. More people need to hear about the courage so they know it’s out there and everyone can have it if they put their mind to it.
Good for you for being such a strong and courageous person! As Jayme said, we should all be like you!
@SandyAppleyard @jennwhinnem You’ve got a boatload of courage, too, Sandy! It doesn’t matter if others are worse or better than you; what you experience in your family becomes your personal journey. How you handle that is your business and also yours to keep private or public.
@SandyAppleyard @jennwhinnem oh no the alcoholic thing was a coincidence only! I cannot take your father’s inventory but it sure sounds like he wasn’t in treatment and at that point he’s just making everyone around him sick.
I like, “Nothing in life is difficult but thinking makes it so.”
I can’t stand people who are failing at whatever in life, or make excuses as to why they can’t shoot for the stars and instead blame it on their ‘crappy childhood.’
Once you’re an adult you have to take charge of your life and be accountable for your actions. You can’t blame your childhood anymore. If you had a crappy one, get counseling. I had a very crappy childhood (watching my father drink himself to death when I was 16, separation, etc. etc.), but I got help and dealt with it. There is always someone worse off than you, and I bet they’re making the best of what they have, so why can’t we all do that?
I like, “Nothing in life is difficult but thinking makes it so.”
I can’t stand people who are failing at whatever in life, or make excuses as to why they can’t shoot for the stars and instead blame it on their ‘crappy childhood.’
Once you’re an adult you have to take charge of your life and be accountable for your actions. You can’t blame your childhood anymore. If you had a crappy one, get counseling. I had a very crappy childhood (watching my father drink himself to death when I was 16, separation, etc. etc.), but I got help and dealt with it. There is always someone worse off than you, and I bet they’re making the best of what they have, so why can’t we all do that?
So much truth to this! When I was standing on the edge of the cliff trying to decide whether or not to make the jump, this kind of thought process came in handy. I know a number of books have mentioned it, but if you realize that the worst that can happen probably won’t, it makes the tough decisions so much easier. And, if you do think through all of those unlikely scenarios, you’re prepared should disaster strike.
A difficult, but important lesson. Well done, Jenn!
@lauraclick Thanks, for coming over, Laura…everyone is fearful of the future; it’s how we manage today that dictates tomorrow.
@lauraclick That is exactly the image I use. I think, okay, if I jump off this building and I don’t fly but instead break my legs, I guess I’ll just drag myself towards the emergency room. [Or I’ll be dead and then who cares?]
@jennwhinnem HAHA! Okay, I wasn’t talking about literally jumping off of the cliff, but sure, same concept. I use the cliff analogy for entrepreneurship all of the time. It’s scary and a long way down, but if you quit thinking and just jump, it will be okay. 😉
@lauraclick @jennwhinnem Good you clarified that! I thought you meant in business; but some folks contemplate this when they’re seriously depressed, too.
Such a brilliant philosophy. I agree 100%. I’ve never seen the sense in worrying about that which I can not change. I figure out what is the best I can do and then do it. Then I take a nap. After that, there is usually a period of snacking which often includes bacon, and life continues on.
I’d say that I’m happy almost all of the 365 days a year. I just don’t see the point in living any other way. Of course, some people will disagree, but I’ll just ignore them…and eat BACON! I mean, who wants to listen to a non-bacon eating nay sayer, anyway?
@ExtremelyAvg OK, Brian. I’d like you to write The Happy Friday Series about BACON!! PLEASE????
I’m so serious.
@ExtremelyAvg I like that I came to this way of thinking through contemplating death at age 9. Through a glass, darkly.
That said, I have some very real anxiety and depression issues that are only just this year being well-managed. With my brain chemistry under good control it’s even easier to follow my own advice.
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing can I write (later) a Happy Friday Series about cheese? Bacon is the hip thing right now, but dairy abides.
@jennwhinnem @ExtremelyAvg As long as you don’t put bacon and cheese in the same post. HEART ATTACK!
I am so not a worrier. Never have been and don’t see that changing. I’m married to one – like extreme worrier – and have had to really adjust my perspective on the affliction of worry and ensuing anxiety. Together, we’ve navigated how to handle it and it is getting better. I’ve come to realize it is hard for the worrier to “just turn it off” and move on. I’m thrilled you’ve found a way to do that. I do that all the time. I do.
Here’s how I handle the shit that often hits my fan:
1. I look at it, size it up and say, wow, that’s some shit.
2. I then determine if it’s something to really worry about and if so, shift it from worry to “clean up on aisle 6” and deal with it.
3. If I can’t deal with it, I either ignore it and realize it will eventually go away (that happens, by the way) OR, I call in reinforcements. There’s always someone smarter than me out there.
Here’s to you, love.
@EricaAllison And, if I know the women (and Brian) in this community, we’re strong and powerful. Perseverance is the name of the game and control is, too!
@EricaAllison I never said there wasn’t medication involved…for a long time there wasn’t and this was the best I had. I think the best thing you can do is distract.
@EricaAllison I love this philosophy 🙂
I love your attitude, Jenn! I was a big worrier for many, many years. Everything seemed like the end of the world. Along the way I read a book called “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” by Dale Carnegie, and he taught the same principle you’ve applied here. I started imagining and then facing “the worst that could happen” and dealing with it before it actually did, taking control of whatever I could take control of before the “worst” arrived on my doorstep. The “worst that could happen” has still never happened. I’m still here!
I guess I had a fear of not being in control. Preparing for the worst gave me a sense of control over my circumstances, or at least a good amount of control. I still face my fears in the same way, but with the additional strength that comes from my faith. My worldview changed, and that worldview gives me great peace when I start to feel anxious about anything. I’m ultimately , if not immediately, able to relinquish my need for control and trust that everything will work out, because in hindsight, it always has. Every single time.
You’re awesome, Jenn. I really admire you, and this post just gave me more reason to.
@New England Multimedia Well, said, Michelle. Jenn is super special in my book, too.
@New England Multimedia girl. You’ve been there. You feel me.
Thank you Ladies and Gent for awesome communication today. Thanks, Jenn Whinnem, for writing, too! I believe I have now extended invites to all by @SandyAppleyard to write for this series. Consider yourself invited, Sandy! @lauraclick did I get you on Facebook the other night? You’re invited, too!
I don’t think peeps know that if they comment here, they have to write a post; heh. That way the stream will be forever full! Be safe this weekend y’all!
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing @lauraclick Sure Jayme, what kinds of things do you look for in guest posts?
@SandyAppleyard @Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing @lauraclick Jayme likes ‘happy Friday’ posts. Or you can share Marketing Wisdom. You can do eet
@jennwhinnem @SandyAppleyard @lauraclick Hah. Jenn is just giving me grief ‘cuz she can and i let her!
Sandy, however you interpret “happy” is what I want to see. @PaulaKiger wrote about creating a Foursquare check in at a stop light last week. That made her happy. Jenn found out the glass is half empty, yet she’s happy.
Music makes Susan happy and a smile makes Peg happy. So, it’s all subject to interpretation. Just yours.
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing @SandyAppleyard @lauraclick @PaulaKiger I’m not hating! I like that Jayme is open to different interpretations of ‘happy’.
@jennwhinnem @Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing @lauraclick Me too!
@Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing @SandyAppleyard @lauraclick You sure did, Jayme. I’ll work on getting you something in the next couple of weeks.
When my students tell me about getting nervous before presentations or for job interviews, I just remind them that “they can’t eat you.” It’s sorta the same thing. Hopefully it helps.
@profkrg Yep. Love it. Glad you tell your students that
So insightful! Thanks for your wise words, Jenn!
@heangtan Ha ha! Thanks my friend. @Soulati | B2B Social Media Marketing always lets me be me at her house.
Hey Jen, Just now reading it after Jayme linked to it in today’s post. Thanks for your honesty! This is very close to my approach, too. When I bottom line the worst case scenario, it usually isn’t all that bad. As my man Jimmy Buffett says- “If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.”
RebeccaTodd Hi Rebecca – only just stumbled upon this. Glad I’m not the only one “bottom lining it” as you say. Put down the mylanta!!