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The Happy Friday Series: Glass Half Empty & Happy

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A woman I designated as  Social Media Woman of the Year 2012 graces us today with her always unique perspective on life, topics and happenstance. I encourage your read today as we continue The Happy Friday Series with awesome guest appearances thus far by Peg Fitzpatrick, Susan Silver and Paula Kiger. Jenn Whinnem is our guest today, and you may want to read her “coming out” story that debuted on this blog in 2010 before you read what’s below.

Jenn Whinnem Says:

credit: sodahead.com

credit: sodahead.com

The Glass is Half Empty and I Couldn’t be Happier.

Come here. Want to hear a secret? Here’s how I survived public humiliation and other fallout from:

  • Having to leave my dream college, one year in
  • Unemployment
  • Canceling my own wedding two months beforehand
  • The slow ratcheting up of an ultimately fatal illness
  • Several romances gone south (like all the way to the south pole, hanging out with the penguins south)

Until age nine, I drank a lot of Mylanta, because I was a really nervous kid and my stomach hurt from being so nervous. The short version was that I was terrified at all times that I would embarrass myself in public.

But then I got philosophy!

At age nine or so, I read Sixth Grade Can Really Kill You. “What are you so afraid of?” someone asks the protagonist. “The worst it can do is kill you.”

The light bulb went off. I was so relieved, I cried. Public humiliation would hurt, but not kill me.

Yeah, at age nine, I accepted my death, and put down the Mylanta. If I did in fact die, okay, I’d be dead, so it wouldn’t matter. But nobody was going to kill me if I said the wrong thing to a relative at my birthday party or accidentally farted in the grocery store.

Some people this is really weird, or even dark, that a nine year old thought about death like this. But I never was an optimist. I’m also not a pessimist. I consider myself more of an absurdist.

Here is the resiliency I developed as a result of my philosophy:

  • Any time I found myself in a rotten situation, I would determine the worst case scenario
  • It wouldn’t be death
  • So then I’d figure out how to deal with the other inevitable losses
  • And I’d FIND the humor in it (this is the absurd part).

See, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s just going to be inconvenient. Don’t sweat inconvenient. Take a day to sulk, then suck it up and be done with it.

Someone sues you? Hire a lawyer. Can’t afford one? Whatever, you can make it work. Clients haven’t paid you, and you are going to miss your mortgage payment? Be late on your payment. Take charge of what you can control.

It’s not that I think that any of this is ideal. I’d rather not be sued or default on my mortgage. But here’s what you’ll find:

  • You don’t feel powerless anymore. You have an ACTION PLAN.
  • Since you’re focused on action and not victimhood, people will crawl out of the woodwork to help you. Emotional drowning scares good helpers away. (it is okay to feel blech, but not to drown).
  • At least one person you know has been in your situation and knows how to navigate it.

Optimism didn’t really work for me. What did work was embracing reality, having a good laugh, and getting ON with it.

What’s your strategy for minimizing freak-outs when life hands you a lemon tree?

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In Safety Of Groups, Do You Attack Or Connect?

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This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a "thought bubble". It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I failed recently, at a presentation. And once I had a chance to think about it, I was thrilled! Because I learned an important leadership lesson about connecting with others.

Last year I was a part of a leadership development program in which I completed a group project. This year, I was asked to visit the new class and present on my project as an example of success, and to guide them through thinking about their own projects.

That is not what happened.

Instead, the group – 90% of whom I had never met – went on the attack. Rather than listening and questioning me with the goal of learning, they autopsied my project, finding fault with me for things they thought I should have done. They challenged some of the assumptions of the project and criticized me for not doing certain things, not understanding that we had tried those options and given up on them because they didn’t work. I stayed calm and responded to their challenges in an even way but I will admit that on the inside I was irritated and confused about why I was being attacked.

Afterward, I was praised for how I maintained my poise in the face of critique and that my lack of defensiveness was masterful! The meeting leader also said I was the best example of “centered leadership” she had seen live in some time. I disagreed until she pointed this out:

  • If we can’t honor and appreciate a chance to connect with others who think like us, how can we possibly be effective in connecting with others who don’t think like us?

And, with her perspective, I saw that I had in fact imparted a valuable lesson, just not the one I had intended.

I got to thinking about a blog post I wrote for Spin Sucks last year when I found myself in a similar situation. I had wanted to talk about how those of us in the nonprofit world measure our social media results. But because the title inadvertently ended up including a reference to “ROI,” the audience went on the attack. I was told I didn’t know what I was talking about – and that was just for starters.

And, again, privately, I was complimented on how I had “handled” the negative feedback.

Now I’m looking at that debacle through my new lens about honoring a chance to connect. My challengers weren’t interested in connecting with me; they were interested in setting me straight, and not in the nicest way possible.

Naturally I examined myself as well. Where had I sacrificed an opportunity to connect for the sake of being “right”? How about this. The most beautiful words someone can say to me are, “You were right!” That should give you a sense of my thinking.

Does it really make sense for us to make enemies of strangers, especially if we’re on the same side? I’d say that’s not smart networking. While my attackers walked away thinking I was a dope, had they stopped to consider what I might think of them for talking to me that way? Had I done the reverse?

My questions for you are:

  • Do you connect….or do you attack? What makes you choose one or the other?
  • What are the consequences of each approach?
  • Do you think some people aren’t important enough to connect with?
  • Should I make a video of me demonstrating this poise while people throw tomatoes at me? J/K I am not going to make the video.

So, please do share how you act in the safety of groups — do you feel compelled to go on the attack with supporters all around, or do you take another road and attempt to connect with the presenter knowing you could be in those same shoes? Not expecting any answers to that question, but it’s worth a thought or two about your own behavior in the safety of numbers. 

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Is Your Blog Turning Readers Off?

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Jenn Whinnem is a regular here, and she brings a perspective I love with relish (dill, not sweet). She’s back in betwixt her recent gig at the Connecticut Health Foundation where she’s the muse for social media innovation. See what you make of Jenn’s view as she re-visits our neighborhood.

Jenn Whinnem Says:

Fellow bloggers, I want to know: who are you blogging for? Can you tell me right now who you’re writing for and what they can get out of your most recent post? What if your writing is turning readers off?

It’s something that’s been on my mind ever since I’ve been running around like a mad woman with my kicking new job. I’m a lot less active in the part of the blogosphere I previously called home. In fact, I’d say I’ve moved.

When I visit the old neighborhood, though, I get kind of confused. When I saw these blogs every day I didn’t question a lot. But now I see these blogs less often and I really notice what’s going on, kinda like the friends you only see every couple of months. And, I have to say, every time I dip back into my Twitter stream and read the posts that are being shared, I have a huh? moment.

See, lately blogs are making me flash back to pre-2009, when blogs felt like this to me (Lyle not Teodor). Honestly, who cared what I or you or anyone else was thinking about? The navel-gazing flat out didn’t interest me.

Then in 2009 I woke up and realized blogs had shifted into providing real business value, and I got into it. There was an exchange of information, not just opinions. Cool.

But recently some blogs are feeling, well, pretty self-indulgent. As a reader I’m not getting much out of it.  I’d like to pose this question — what are bloggers getting out of it? In my defense I’ll say I’m trying to avoid the echo chamber just like the rest of you. I definitely read new bloggers who have moved in, and I’m getting a similar feeling. Are they getting business out of it? If not…what’s the point?

So let’s talk about this. Do you know who you’re blogging for? What have you written for them lately, and is it something they want to hear? Or, am I completely out of whack? Wouldn’t be the first time!

 

Twitter Police Needed For Citations

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When I first dived into Twitter, my initial impression was “why is everybody yelling at me?”

For the first few months of my involvement, it seemed anyone I followed was ranting about/bemoaning the “bad behavior” of other Twitter users. Don’t do this, don’t do that. It was extremely off-putting.

And then I’d run into the “Don’t tell people they’re doing it wrong! You can’t do it wrong!” No wonder people drop off Twitter. Who can keep track of the etiquette when it contradicts itself? It would seem from all those ranty tweets and posts that you certainly COULD do it wrong. WTH, everyone?

Of course…I became one of those people! I cringe when I see the ALL CAPS TWEETS. Meaningless #FF tweets. Or on Facebook, which I joined after Twitter. Really, song lyrics as status update – are you a 13yo girl? Does your JOB know you play Pet Society this much? Hide hide hide hide.

Still, even as I was sucked into the etiquette police, I wanted to write something about not yelling at everyone so much. Especially lately. But this morning I woke up to this item from one of my favorite shopping sites, Modcloth.com: The social media citation pad.

Where are my programmer friends at? We need to digitize this. Let’s just do it. Like a version of someecards. We can just cite people in a tweet and get on with our lives. CITATION: ACRONYM ABUSE! CONSIDER THIS A WARNING. Each citation will be accompanied by a picture of a sad dog – maybe Jon Buscall’s basset hounds!

We can do this.

Do You F*!@-n Jam?

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Please pardon the borderline-naughty language today! (Hey, notice the byline — it’s NOT Jayme Soulati.)

One of my exes was a drummer who took the idea of his drumming pretty seriously. He was forever getting the “let’s hang out sometime and jam” from not-as-serious musicians. Privately, these requests outraged him. “I’m a PROFESSIONAL. I don’t f*!@n jam,” he seethed at me after yet another one of these requests.

Recently my best friend Steph and I decided to borrow this phrase and apply it to requests for free labor.  You know, “Can I pick your brain?” or even “want to be a part of my project (where I’ll end up sticking you with all the work)?”

“Sorry, I don’t f*!@n jam.”

Possibly this is an internal response. But slackers and cheapskates be warned: we don’t f*!@n jam.

Do You Jam?

Michelle Quillin of New England Multimedia asked recently on FB “How do you handle requests for “free” or “super-reduced price” services with a promise of “future work” and “referrals”?”

My polite response was: “’thanks but no thanks’ in most cases, “yes” in very special cases.” Of course, what I meant was the above (sing it with me!), “I don’t f*!@n jam.”

Small businesses need to be careful about jamming. You want to say yes, because saying yes feels good…right until you finish saying it, when it starts to feel terrible. Projects drag on and on. Your ideas are stolen and profited from. The “future work” and “referral” payoff never come.

Davina Brewer posted how she handles the “jam” request –she lays out some good responses you can actually say aloud. I particularly like step #1 – “tell ‘em it costs money.”

Gini Dietrich wrote about the true cost of brain-picking here. Her argument is, “…[in]  industries where people sell their brains for a living…Time is how we make our money. We don’t make widgets. We don’t sell products. We don’t manufacture anything. We don’t process anything. Our brains are our products and…every time someone asks us for free help, they’re taking us away from clients or opportunities to make us money.”

Who’s In Your Band?

On the other hand, you’ll play music with your band, won’t you? So who’s in your band? For me, I’ll always help out a friend, because my friends rock and give it back to me in spades. If they don’t pay me, they’ll return the favor for sure.

If I don’t already have a relationship (business or personal) with someone, they aren’t in my band. No jamming.

So…do you jam?

Have you jammed? What was the result? How do you handle jamming requests?

(Image: Flickr Creative Commons by Jonas Bengtsson)